366-370 Days: The Pandemic x Body Positivity

Trigger warning: discussion of body-shaming, "fat-phobia," and of course our favorite stressor...the pandemic.

In the past few months I have been dealing with a lot of insecurities about how I look, which has led to a vicious cycle of feeling drained by insecurities, then not having the energy to take all my medications, prepare healthy meals, exercise like I used to, talk with a therapist, etc. It is exhausting and very painful to get "stuck" in this loop. Loved ones frequently have made off-hand comments to me that make it worse. Some verbatim examples of things said to me that have gotten stuck in my head are that "I will feel so much better when [my] weight goes back down" or that "[I] still look like [me] but it's hard to see [me] not fitting into [my] old clothes." Even with redirection in the conversation these comments are made often more than once. I have the hope that someday we may live in a world where these issues are only commented upon when asked for and/or only by a medical professional specifically giving guidance to a patient as their weight positively or adversely affects her or his health.

Too many people in my own circle associate thin-ness with doing something right, and fat-ness with doing something wrong. I think that creating these two buckets of "types" is damaging enough when the numbers associated with our bodies are possibly the best indicator of spectrum that we have. We are not "x" or "y" based on others' ideas, societal standards, or BMI charts.

While utilizing either thin-ness or fat-ness to categorize a person is thriving as a cultural model, body positivity is routinely slammed for promoting a "bad" lifestyle, despite it not being a one-sided issue about lifestyle at all. I see body positivity as a reminder that we celebrate each person for who they are, not in spite of what they look like, but because we are all human and we all have our own unique look worthy of love. That happens to also involve weight and so I can see how amateur arguments begin that a person who is deemed medically overweight SHOULD lose weight, or SHOULD go to the gym, or SHOULD [insert idea here]. However, if these comments are coming from anyone other than that person's health provider and were not asked directly from that person...well that is body-shaming. And that is not okay.

Also, in my experience, when I have been asked the prior questions I have rarely (if ever) been asked follow ups such as: "How do you feel about the food you eat?" or "I know this has been a hard year-is there anything you'd like to talk about?" These questions show true concern for a person and not for that person's appearance.

When the pandemic began I comfortably worn size 10 pants and had for awhile. After contracting COVID-19 I spent nine months in an almost entirely sedentary lifestyle with periods of bedrest as my lungs "re-inflated", my broken ribs knit back together, and my body started a healing process that is still going on today. How marvelous is it that our bodies are so intelligent to be able to do these things? I also had more than five courses of prednisone, a steroid that is known for creating massive weight gain and water retention after discontinuing use. With a completely changed sense of taste (still to this day) initially I ate whatever could give me electrolytes and carbohydrates when nothing tasted right.

Long before the pandemic a doctor who treated me for a separate issue once said, "You must be looking forward to being skinny again." I remember that without hesitation OUT LOUD I said, "I am looking forward to being healthy again." I did not go back to that provider.

Recently I was cleared to start exercising again and I have been using all my energy to prioritize moving my body in ways that are fun and feel good. There will definitely be more on that in the future. However, my lungs are still feeling it, my body is still feeling it. The vestiges of COVID-19 are not gone and the body remembers...vividly.

At my heaviest I decided to just wear sweatpants because I did not want to know my size. I felt so down on myself and just buried my feelings in work. A couple weeks after that I checked despite my worries because I had been forced to stand on a scale at the doctor's office before clearing me to exercise. I weighed 40 pounds heavier than I did pre-pandemic. Now I was a size 16-18 in pants. I felt (and still sometimes feel) humiliated by the "sudden weight gain". The stretch marks. The roundness of my face and squinty eyes in photos.

This is the very end of June/early July after my first two rounds (one extended) of prednisone with extreme restrictions on my exercise routine. Although at the time I took this photo I know I was doing my best to "suck in" my stomach, that was as small as it would be. From there on out I have not "sucked in" or out--just stood in front of the mirror to see how this journey to beat COVID-19 was affecting my overall appearance. When I look at my eyes I wish I could tell her she looks so strong, to keep fighting, that one day it would be clearer what we are fighting for...but maybe that is why she took this picture in the first place.

Late June/Early July 2020

I had a short remission of symptoms that seemed to help with general water retention/weight gain for about two weeks at the end of July. At the beginning of August I took this photo. 24 hours later I was back on nebulized albuterol and prednisone along with other medications.

August 2020

I remember a month or so after that 3rd round of prednisone I had a separate specialist appointment who required a blood draw. When I arrived at the lab, the phlebotomist checking me in asked me if it was "a boy or a girl". I wish that my confusion at her question could have lasted forever, because the pain and sadness at having to explain that I was not pregnant to someone who was so confident shattered the fragile housing I was building around myself. That moment was awful.

We moved to my 4th and 5th rounds of prednisone, one lasting for over a month.

October 2020

Just before Christmas I had a cough that could not be controlled by the supplemental medications I was taking after a discontinuation of prednisone. I needed to stop taking my oral diabetes medications (although I am type 1 I am insulin resistant and prone to infection) and a prednisone "burst" followed by a medrol taper was ordered.

December 2020

But I am doing my best. I take a moment every morning and every night to look myself in the eye in our bathroom mirror and say "I love you" even when I don't believe it or it feels hard. I asked my doctor what a healthy weight would be for me and we made a plan together. I have stuck to that plan in both planning meals and exercising.

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March 2021

Although that was my last interaction with prednisone, I have been put on other medications that make people prone to weight gain and/or water retention. Sometimes nothing fits or feels right and it is hard to look at myself in the mirror or in photos.

Looking back through photos of me in this time has been hard on my mental health (don't worry, we have that base covered) since I am not used to seeing myself looking this way. Initially it was hard because the society I live in doesn't laud people with that appearance unless they are expecting a child. Now it is hard because I remember, and still fight against, negative self talk when I see myself not looking how I want to look. I remember having a lightbulb moment that if this was another person, and they had shared their struggle, their journey with me, how I would feel looking at them. I felt proud. And that was the first big crack in what had been a vicious cycle of negative messaging.

My size 10 pants are still waiting for me and that can be hard when I think about the fun events we have planned this year and the inevitable photos that will be taken. But if an increase in pant size can count as proof that I had COVID and beat COVID, I will take it so I can be here for the moments I could have missed entirely.

After seeing the weight increase and the change in my clothes size, I am really proud to report that not only have I lost ten pounds (a fourth of the gain) and am in size 12 pants, but exercising is requiring fewer breaks. My dumbells need to be heavier. My workouts are getting longer. I am going to keep grinding it out until I am where I want to be, and even then, I am going to keep going to maintain my healthy lifestyle. If my body has a new settling point than before, I am learning to fall in love with that while promoting my health. Body positivity and not being thin can, and do, coexist.

I will never be the smallest girl in the room. But that is my body and my body type and honestly I am proud of how I look. Others may have different opinions, but I am throwing out the idea that anyone who needs to shame others to make themself more comfortable based on how our culture treats one gender is not my issue. I am choosing not to buy in. When my doctor has something she wants me to change--we work together.

If you hear someone being talked down to because of their health, choose to remind the other person we are all the experts on ourselves only. If you hear comments that would hurt you were they redirected, choose to step in. And...If you feel like you need resources for finding that confident, inner self to kick in--I would encourage you to find a mirror, or look into your phone on camera selfie mode and really LOOK in your eyes. Say it with me. "I love you."

Prepare, don't panic,

-Allison